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You and your fiancee may want everyone you know to witness your marriage and spend your special day with you. You should invite those people who are important to both of you.

Setting a Number

The first thing to decide is the size of the wedding party, the size of the ceremony site, and the size of your reception. It is most likely that the budget you have set will determine these factors. If you want a much larger wedding than the budget you have already set will allow, it may be possible to get both sets of parents together with you and your fiance, and discuss your preliminary plans. Although the bride's parents traditionally absorb all costs of the reception, it is getting more common for the bride and groom themselves, if they are older and more established, to help defray the costs. In any event, it's the best idea for all to sit down together and discuss these details before making any plans. This may or may not change your plans, but at least everyone will understand from the beginning what is being arranged.

Some Factors to Consider

Mood: Do you want an elaborate wedding, or would a small, intimate setting better suit you and your fiance?

Space: There may be constraints at either your ceremony or reception site which would limit the number of guests you can invite.

Style: Do you want a larger wedding with simpler food, or a lavish spread with fewer guests attending?

Second wedding: If either (of both) of you are re-marrying, you might choose to have a less elaborate wedding. Traditionally, second weddings are on a smaller scale than first weddings.

When you set your numbers, keep in mind that anywhere from 10% to 20% of the invited guests will probably decline, especially during the summer months or around the holidays, as they may have other plans which interfere with attending your wedding. But don't count on that number. Before you invite 10% more than you expect to accept, think about what you will do if everyone does attend. Will this push you over budget? Will there be the space to accommodate them?

Splitting the Number of Guests

Perhaps the easiest way is to split the guest list into thirds. The bride's family takes one third, the groom's another third, and the bridal couple take a third for their friends. Another way is to split it in half, with the two families dividing the number evenly. One more method is to first add up family members, then split the remainder into thirds for friends. This may work best if the families are about the same size. If one family has a much larger guest list than the other, the best way to settle any disagreements may be to give everyone the same number, and if they exceed that, they pay for the additional guests. Do this at the preliminary meeting with both sets of parents, and have the numbers determined before making out lists. Try to accommodate everyone's feelings as much as possible.

Where to Start

Some good places to start would be personal phone books, your Christmas card lists, club or team rosters, and social groups. When families give the bride their lists, they should include full name (first and last), relationship (aunt, cousin, et cetera), full address and telephone number.

Who To Send Invitations To

Your parents and the wedding party. You shouldn't expect a reply from these invitations, but send one anyway as a memento of your wedding. Don¹t forget to add these people, and yourselves, into your count of people at the reception.
Adult relatives. These usually include the bridal couple's grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews. You will avoid conflict if you try to be absolutely consistent about who you invite. Problems may occur if you invite some cousins, but not all, for example.
The celebrant who performs the wedding ceremony, and his or her spouse.
Close friends. These are the guests you may have the hardest time setting a limit on. You may want everyone you know to be there, but the budget will not allow for that! Perhaps good factors to consider would be the length of friendship, or if they are important to you as a couple.
Spouses, fiances, and companions of invited guests. Long-time companions should be included, but you don¹t have to include a guest for each unmarried person.
Escorts for guests who are not family members. If you will have only a few unmarried guests, and they won't know many people at your wedding or reception, they may feel awkward attending alone.
Business acquaintances. These should be limited to people you work closely with, such as your immediate supervisor.
Special guests. These may include the parents of your wedding party members. You may be close to them, if you grew up with their child. There may be other people, who, while not friends, are special to you.

Who You May Politely Not Invite

Distant relatives. Don't feel that you have to invite your second cousin, just because you were invited to her wedding. If you are limiting the size of your wedding, that's your privilege.
Everyone in your office. You aren't obligated to invite everyone you work with, although if you work in a small office, be careful about only inviting a few people. The rest will hear about it, and may feel excluded.
An escort for single guests. If you know that a guest has a steady partner, then the partner should be invited as well, with their own invitation. But you don't have to allow every guest this option, by adding "and Guest" to their invitations. This is especially true if you are trying to cut down on the number of guests.
Ex-spouses and ex-in-laws. Don't invite them, even if you are still friendly, unless everyone else, your fiance included, is comfortable with the situation. Traditionally, they are not expected to attend.
Someone who assumes they are invited. There will always be some people you just can't invite. If someone approaches you, assuming they will be invited and they are not, you aren¹t obligated to invite them. Explain politely you are having a small wedding.

Setting Up a List

While deciding on a guest list, you should divide it into three categories: Have to Invite, Should Invite, and Optional. If cuts become necessary, this should make that task easier.

How To Make Cuts, If Necessary

This may not be a problem at all. You may be one of the fortunate ones who finds that you have a budget for 250 people, and only have 200 people on your list. You are more likely to find that you have a budget for 250 people, and have 500 people on your list. Now, who do you cut? Some hints that might help:

First, ruthlessly go through your "Optional" list.
Set an age limit for children. Many receptions are "Adult Only," with the exception of children in the wedding party and brothers or sisters of the groom. If you choose to do this, you may consider having "Adult Reception" printed on the invitations so that it is clear to everyone. Make no exceptions, or someone is going to resentful that their children were excluded.
Eliminate all business associates. A wedding is usually thought to be a family gathering as opposed to a business opportunity, so they are much less likely to be hurt than if you excluded a family member.
Check everyone's list for duplications.

Who Sends the Invitations

Whoever is hosting the wedding and reception should purchase and mail the invitations. Since the bride's family is usually hosting the event, it is their job to address and mail the invitations. For more information on these, see the separate article on Wedding Invitations.

Who Receives Wedding Announcements

Announcements are generally mailed after the wedding has taken place, to those friends and family who were not invited to the wedding. Announcements may be appropriate to business acquaintances, especially for a bride whose name will be changing. You may also wish to send announcements to friends who live out of town.

Guest and Gift Records

While you are locating the addresses for your invitations, you would be wise to fill out a guest and gift record for each invitation you send out. These forms are provided elsewhere in this publication. One suggestion is to attach them to an index card, and keep these cards together in a box. Or you can put the sheets into a folder. You will have the easiest time if you keep the records together, and use them to keep careful track of who was invited, how they responded, the gift they gave, and if they were thanked. These also come in handy in making out your Christmas cards.

Out-of-Town Guests

If you are inviting all of your cousins, don't neglect your cousin who lives in Florida, even if you don't expect her to come. You never know - she may have heard about the wedding, and be planning a trip here for it. Give them the option of declining if they don't want to travel. However, don't invite guests you know will be unable to come. They may see the invitations only as a request for a gift. If you are having an adult-only reception, and having visiting guests with children, try to help them out. Perhaps you could offer to find them a baby-sitter during the reception. (You aren't obligated to pay for the baby-sitter.) Otherwise, they may have no alternative but to bring the children along with them to the reception.

What to Expect of Your Wedding Guests

They should respond to their invitation with either a response card or a hand-written note.
They should arrive at the wedding ceremony site about fifteen minutes before the scheduled time.
They should stand as the wedding march begins, and try to follow the ceremony service.
They wait to leave their seats until the wedding party and parents, grandparents have been escorted out.
They should offer their congratulations and best wishes while passing through the receiving line.
They should be properly dressed for the ceremony and reception.
They should wait for the bridal couple to have the first dance before they dance.
They should give a wedding gift, which should be appropriate to their means.
They should participate in dances or special events at the reception.
They should moderate in their drinking.
They should thank the hosts (generally the bride's parents) before they leave.

Helpful Hints

To make everyone happy (hopefully). If you:

Have space limitations at the ceremony or reception site: Invite guests to only one or the other. Make sure they understand exactly what they are being invited to, however.

Are distraught that you can't invite everyone you'd like: Have another "reception," not immediately after your wedding. Have a picnic with your friends to celebrate the wedding a week afterwards, or a "homecoming" type of party after you return from your honeymoon.

Are from another city: And cannot ask your entire family to travel to your wedding. Take a videotape of your wedding with you on a visit, perhaps as part of your honeymoon, and have a "viewing" party there.

Do's and Don'ts

DO consider inviting a guest to accompany a single person who won't know may other people there.
DO decide if musicians, photographers, etc. will be invited to eat at the reception, and add them to the count if you do so. It is a nice gesture to invite them to eat.
DO stick to the numbers you have set. If everyone adds "just one more," pretty soon you'll find yourself way over budget.
DO be consistent with family. If you are close to two cousins, and not the other ten, the other cousins may not be hurt to be excluded. But it may happen that their parents, your aunts and uncles, will notice and mention it. You don't want your wedding to be the site of a family battle.
DO make a list of people you really wish you could include, but haven't the room. If you receive early regrets, you can add these names to the invitation list. Be considerate of their feelings -- if they realize they are being asked late, explain that the wedding is small, and you are glad you have the opportunity to invite them, even if it is last minute. This can be done graciously so no one is offended.
DON'T make exceptions to the "Adult Only" rule. If you invite one child, you should invite all. Otherwise, the parents with children at home may be resentful.